I wish you love

"Love, too, has to be learned"

Friedrich Nietzsche

On this week of love [Black Love Day, Galentine's Day, Valentine's Day, and Single's Awareness Day], mixed with the journal prompts of the past few weeks I was compelled to search my heart and express my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. It took some time to discover the appropriate outlet, until the idea to create a new personal blog sparked into my consciousness, like a thunderbolt. It was less than an hour later when "my heart's quiet reflections" was born. 

There were four journal prompts from one creator and a grounding exercise along with a few prompts from another; initially I thought not to post them however, I don't intend to share this blog publicly, so they are as follows:

• "what emotional blocks are you ready to release?"
• "how can I invite more love & clarity into my life this month?"
• "what does it look like for me to shine authentically and unapologetically?"
• "how can I bring more creativity & confidence into my daily life?"

From there we were advised of the potential for "obstacles" to come to mind, we were instructed to write them down and then allow "solutions" to come to mind and write those as well.

From another creator, the exercise and prompts were:

• Close your eyes and think about a belief that you feel has held you back. [after writing one limiting belief, identify where it originated, then ask yourself] 
• "how has it shaped my life?" 
• "what is one new belief that I want to adopt?"
• "how will it serve me?"

When I pondered, about a limiting belief, the thought that came to mind was "I am not enough" as I sat with that for a while, I asked myself, "where did that come from?" and sadly, the answer was "everywhere". Feeling unworthy most likely began in the childhood I don't remember and was reinforced with interactions with family, teachers, media, and supposed friends. The way in which that limiting belief shaped my life was in people-pleasing, self-sabotage, and being the "girl Friday" to everyone in my life [when requested and at times without request as I felt I saw a need]. At this point I was emotionally drained at the realization of the secret within my self-concept I'd been denying for far too long. I then went to the other prompts and with a blank mind the first thing that cluttered it was an obstacle, "I don't know what it feels like to be loved by someone other than myself". That one was heartbreaking, as at times I question the authenticity of my self-love; recognizing "that is the only love I know". So I show myself compassion and grace for being brave enough to be honest with myself. 

At that point I was unable to do anymore shadow work and focused on my undergrad coursework as a distraction from my emotions. Many emotions flooded my heart; anger in the form of feeling let down, numb as in feelings of emptiness and isolation, sad including hurt, vulnerable, and lonely, along with fear with feelings of rejection and insecurity. The vulnerability of recognizing and in a way accepting that no one loves me, regardless of the words used; causing me to feel as if I were unlovable. I stopped feeling that way many Moons ago when I heard a quote suggesting, "you are not unlovable, you are just asking the wrong people". Yet, I am forced to ask myself "why is everyone the wrong person?" The feelings of rejection, isolation, hurt, and loneliness caused an empty feeling to overcome me; as I reflected on the loneliness I feel from the lack of substance with another person in my life. As I wrote that sentence, my lover came to mind; although I feel as if he may love me, he has never vocalized the sentiment and his behavior is consistent yet sporadic, which leaves me unsure. Followed by the memory of my Dad, who passed in 2018. When my Dad was alive, I felt loved, seen, heard, understood, and he said with his actions and words that he loved me and was proud of the woman I had become.

Today is only Tuesday, I do not recall exactly when I had these revelations, but it was somewhere between Sunday and Monday. Needless to say, bi-polar has picked up on the emotions and I have been approaching depression, to combat that I spent too much time on social media. I attempted to begin the reading and assignments for my philosophy course, but I haven't gotten further than writing the topic in my notes. This is when I thought of revisiting the journal prompts, followed by contemplating on an outlet to express myself, and here we are. When the people in my life, more specifically, my family's actions suggest they don't love me, much less like me regardless of them claiming to, reminds me of the origin of my people-pleasing habits. I felt as if I was constantly auditioning to be seen, heard, understood, and loved. There was a time when I rejected the concept of being unworthy of love, I would list the many wonderful qualities, characteristics, and attributes I possess creating what I thought was a healthy self-esteem with few areas of insecurity. That is until I had a tarot reading and was asked about my lover and why it is that I don't [necessarily] want anything deeper. As I typed that sentence, I considered I may have a part within that still feels unworthy of a healthy, committed, reciprocal love.

The thought of the effort it would take to retrieve the memory of where that feeling was planted seems too traumatic to investigate. I have fragments of a memory of my childhood, I do not recall if this was a happenstance from mental trauma in the experience of anxiety disorder or if I never remembered my childhood. It wasn't until various lessons in my introduction to psychology course that I realized how impactful emotional and intellectual neglect can be on the mind and heart of a child. Correction, through meditation, prayer, therapy, tarot readings, these exercises and journal prompts caused me to take more time to process the thoughts that I would typically brush off in avoidance. An affirmation I have chosen is "I am enough, just as I am and worthy of a healthy, committed, reciprocal love". I understand it may take some time for those words to penetrate my heart, but I am committed to expand the level in which I am learning to love myself. I will admit, it gets lonely being the only person who expresses love to you, it used to create this yearning for validation. Encouraging opportunities for someone to tell me how smart, kind, funny, or whatever I am rather than relying on myself to embrace those feelings toward myself. In this moment, I recognize how I am still auditioning for the words however, now it is not with family or friends, but professors and classmates.

While I was completing coursework and discussions since the onset of Spring semester, I noticed I'd feel let down when I'd post my response to a discussion and no one chose to respond to what I shared or the feeling of contentment when someone did. Or on social media when other creators "like" my comments or as I gain new "followers"; I'd feel stunned asking myself "what did I say?" or in disbelief of the new "followers" being actual people and not bots. That's something that carried over from my blogs as readership grew, I questioned if they were bots or actual people. Again, the feeling of unworthiness has shown up for so many years in so many ways it was almost unnoticeable. Until I sat with those prompts and took off the mask I was unaware of. The contradiction of feeling as if I show up as my unapologetic, authentic self yet I have not one consistent relationship where I feel valued [with the exception of the relationship with myself] is again, heartbreaking.

When I think of how I can invite more love, clarity, creativity, and confidence into my life, the idea of loving and caring for myself is the first thought to come to mind, followed by assessing the ways in which I understand and accept love. When thoughts of insecurity concerning engagement enters my mind, I have to remind myself that "I am an interesting, intelligent woman so there shouldn't be shock or confusion when people engage with me". That one is not hard for me to believe and adopt right away whereas I will discuss my thoughts and feelings of unworthiness with my therapist this week, I am certain she will provide some tools, perhaps more affirmations or journal prompts to get to a memory or a thought process which will allow me to find security within myself for the areas where the esteem isn't as high as others. The way in which this will serve me, as a way to enhance the love I have for myself, come to terms with what it is I truly want in a lover, and take necessary steps closer to becoming the woman of my dreams.