the look of love

"close your eyes, fall in love, stay there"

Rumi

As I sat staring at the blank screen, while searching through my liked content for a quote to embody the words I wanted to share, so many thoughts of "where do I begin?" overtook me. I then thought to "start with how this all began", which was the end of January 2025. After spending the holiday with someone who proclaimed to be my "best friend", I was treated poorly, for months or even years, this person claimed to love me, when I expressed that "I don't believe in best friends" and proceeded to share my reasoning, I was met with pleading to reconsider. Against my better judgement, I lowered the walls around my heart and allowed this person to experience my rendition of love. Many of us have heard the scripture depicting love as patient, kind, understanding, and such however, society has emphasized and conditioned us to also accept that love "endures all things", as in the suffering associated with loving someone. I've always rejected that perspective, believing that unforeseen situations may come up yet we are not to endure abuse of any kind. Many people only think of physical depictions of abuse, not fully understanding that abuse is any "wrong" use of something towards another, causing harm. This may come in the form of psychological, emotional, intellectual, and/or financial, to name a few. The experience over the holiday made me question love, as this person was so focused on saying they loved me and "getting" me to return the sentiment.

As I expressed in "in my bubble", many things were exposed and revealed from that experience, along with questions or memories concerning love. I recall when I decided to cleanse for the first time, I was lead to read a book in conjunction with it and chose "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz, once I incorporated those principles into my daily life, I could see growth or maturity within myself. From there I was introduced to "The Five Love Languages", combining these two philosophies allowed me to understand what it means to show and accept love. I am unsure where I heard it explained, but someone said although someone can express love, if it is not the way you receive love, it may not feel like love to you. That made perfect sense as many people tell me they love me, often, however, I don't feel loved in the ways in which they choose to express it, in words. I am a very observant person, often noticing nonverbal communication along with words and actions; when someone says "I love you" yet their nonverbal communication and actions speak the opposite, I am more inclined to believe what they are not saying. One element of love that I rarely hear mentioned is consideration, to me, when someone expresses love their words and actions are thoughtful, respectful, meaningful, etc. Someone who loves you will take the time to access their words and behaviors in connection with how they intend for you to feel. Although it may not be their responsibility to process and determine the feelings of another person, it is their responsibility of their intent. 

One example that comes to mind is with my mother, she is an avid reader however, she has no interest in reading my writing- on the blogs or my writings in response to coursework. She reads books as if they were magazines, maybe two or three novels a week yet the one time she attempted to read a blog expression I'd written, she didn't read past the first paragraph- if that. Although she says how great of a writer I am, her disinterest causes me to believe she is simply saying that to sound as if she cares and reinforce the times she has said she loves me. Which says to me that she doesn't and has some other motivation behind doing so, perhaps because as my mother she is "supposed to" say these things to me. Whereas my lover has not spoken the words, "I love you" however, he shows genuine interest in the things that matter to me, he shows support with words of affirmation and encouragement, along with other representations of love. I say that to show how removing the words can still express the sentiment when it's there, while attempting to convince someone of the sentiment with words can fall short when the actions don't match. In my youth up to present day, my [maternal] family are not affectionate, loving people; I do not recall many hugs or expressions of loving words or actions growing up. Although my memory is shaky, I feel as if I would recall a time or two that stood out, but there are none. My Dad not only showed interest in the things that mattered to me, he also exposed me to things I enjoy- like tennis. I recall in elementary school I was in a Martin Luther King, Jr. Day parade and my Dad was there cheering me on for the duration of the parade.

With all that said, I will now share how this all came to my mind and how it ties together; so back to January with the inception of "HillmonTok University".  A creator I follow announced a course they would be instructing, the first assignment was to get a manicure as it may be uncomfortable for the male participants and a step in the direction of self-care for the female participants. Seeing that nail maintenance is something I do regularly, I commented saying, what about us who already participate in self-care? At that time the creator used my comment to create another post in response and gave a journal prompt, asking us to recall "Who/what was the first thing or person that made you feel beautiful [include the who, what, when, where, and why]? How do you do that actively, within yourself [so it's outside of other people's control]?" I will admit, I struggled with this prompt more than I expected to; as I could not recall a time in my life when someone made me feel beautiful [aside from myself]. Initially, the memory that came to mind was an experience of when my uncle [in-law] took me shopping in preparation for high school. He was a very busy and successful man in his field, so it meant a lot to me that he carved out time in his schedule to take me shopping. This was my first time meeting him, as he and my aunt lived in another state however, unlike most of the adults in my life at that time, we had conversations rather than simply talking at me. In one conversation we were discussing my dislike for my name, I expressed to him that I did not feel as if it truly represented who I am and I'd prefer to be addressed by my middle name, Kamil. His advice was that "people will address you however you instruct them to", it took some time, but I found the confidence to inform those in my life that I would prefer to be addressed as Kamille.

There was some opposition, but I remained firm, even ignoring people until they addressed me properly. Each time I attempted to write a response to that prompt my mind was blank until the emptiness was replaced with that interaction. The trouble was, that conversation did not make me feel beautiful, it did allow me to find confidence within myself to truly express myself as I saw to be authentic. Growing up I can't recall anyone telling me of my beauty; aside from when boys began to notice me, but even with that there was a stain in it as they'd say "you're pretty; for a dark skinned girl" as if my beauty was despite something I had no control over. It wasn't until my late 20's that I began to see myself as beautiful, without any confirmation or anyone affirming it to be true. In my 30's I embraced the concept of seeing myself as beautiful, until weight gain and health issues entered the chat. In my 40's I began to regain my confidence and could see myself as beautiful, until the battle with cancer and chemotherapy caused me to shave my head. With the thought of the possibility of losing my hair, I purchased a new wig with the anticipation of wearing it in the event I loss my hair and had to shave it off. Well the effects of chemotherapy in addition to perimenopause, the wig was simply too hot. For no other reason than that I chose not to wear it, while running errands strangers would express to me how beautiful I am in addition to the bravery and courage it takes to live life with a bald head as a woman. Some would think this would be empowering, unfortunately it had the adverse effect as I knew it wasn't brave or courageous to embrace circumstances beyond my control.

Today, as I manage my weight and witness my hair growth, I am conflicted with my "beauty", I don't feel beautiful and no one tells me that I am. I know that I am not "ugly" even with societies beauty constructs and standards, but I don't feel as if my looks alone capture the essence of who I am. Understanding that beauty comes from within- a person's morals, values, intelligence, kindness, etc. yet if I am completely honest, there's a space within me that yearns to hear someone tell me how beautiful I am; without the additional commentary of something that would suggest that I shouldn't be like, "for a dark skinned girl" or "for someone your size". Despite these feelings I choose to adorn myself with beautiful things [rings, earrings, bracelets, choice of clothing and handbags], I feel like an artist when I put myself together, even without the ability to perfect make-up and choosing not to indulge in such. Without outside validation I embrace who I am and how I choose to "show up" in the world; I actively participate in self-care in the form of regular nail maintenance, mindfulness, meditation, therapy, spending quality time with myself, as well as spending time in nature [preferably at the beach]. I have prioritized self-love, it began with changing the way in which I spoke to myself and the thoughts I allowed to flourish. Choosing not to entertain negative or limiting beliefs as they came to mind, becoming "impeccable with my word", being honest with myself, disciple to accomplish my goals, showering myself with words of affirmation and gifts. Forgiving myself for the poor treatment I've tolerated thus far and establishing/ enforcing boundaries and learning to trust myself and my intuition.

The way in which I show love to myself is the standard I have in receiving love from another. I am considerate, kind, accepting, and understanding towards myself. I acknowledge areas requiring growth and maturity, also acknowledging my strengths and celebrating my achievements. In the past I'd developed a perfectionist personality trait, fueled by intense self-criticism, fear of failure, and extremely high expectations. As that trope unraveled I found acceptance in the attempt to try new things, although I may "fail" at first, I have embraced a philosophy of "the near win", which is more in tune with mastery of something. Trying something new and nearly achieving it allows for room to grow and learn from what was unsuccessful for when I try again. Understanding that no one is a "pro" the first time, it takes practice, endurance, and time; allowing me to adjust those extremely high expectations and consider smart [specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound] goals. What love looks like for me may not be what someone else considers love, and that's okay; nevertheless, as long as I shower myself with the love I align with and heal areas within myself where love may be allusive, I am certain when the time is "right" I will embrace a love that is true to me. Until then, I will continue to step in the direction of the woman I was created to be, loving myself [flaws and all] which is something unconditional and not dependent on someone outside of myself.